Brum's Joke Book - Page 2

nairda · 30th April 2008, 15:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by brum29

Only in America .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Our local bus operator have nice single decker buses with bell buttons with Braille on them. What puzzles me is how do blind people know when to press them to signal the driver to stop? Okay, so they could ask the driver, (or other passengers for that matter), to let them know when and where they wish to alight from the bus, but then surely that negates the necessity for having Braille on the buttons?? Just something that puzzles me...

In the same way that there are those sit-in baths advertised on television. The ones with little access doors in them for the elderly and infirm. Does one let oneself in and then sit in a cold bath waiting for the water to heat up and reach the correct depth, (with the potential risk of scalding)? Or does one fill the bath to suit one's requirements then open the door to get in....and flood the house??

S'okay, I'll get my own...

DJO · 30th April 2008, 11:04

What, pray tell, is a "black light"?

Surely if its black it isn't a light. Light cannot be black can it?

Is it made my the same people as a chocolate fireguard or waterproof teabags?

Petrow · 30th April 2008, 13:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJO

What, pray tell, is a "black light"?

Surely if its black it isn't a light. Light cannot be black can it?

Is it made my the same people as a chocolate fireguard or waterproof teabags?

"Black light" is ultra violet light. The bulb looks black because it has a filter to cut out any visible light. When you switch it on you may see a hint of blue, but you can't see the main UV output because it is beyond the human eye's visible range. Some materials fluoresce when illuminated by UV - that is, they emit visible light. (Ain't science wunnerful!)

brum29 · 30th April 2008, 11:10

Celibacy

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare; " It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"It's self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy

brum29 · 30th April 2008, 11:20

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your

left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches

below the level you are traveling on), and on your

right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed

as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is

the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and

zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly

dangerous situation?

you're

Get off the Merry-go-Round as your drunk

brum29 · 30th April 2008, 11:34

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

brum29 · 30th April 2008, 12:24

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

brum29 · 1st May 2008, 10:26

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

brum29 · 1st May 2008, 10:30

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."

brum29 · 1st May 2008, 10:39

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Gandies clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Tony Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

30th April 2008, 11:10	#4
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Celibacy Celibacy Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare; " It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men. "Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?" Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, "It's self raising, isn't it?" Thus began Robert's life of celibacy

30th April 2008, 11:20	#5
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	What would you do You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? you're Get off the Merry-go-Round as your drunk

30th April 2008, 11:34	#6
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Fly Swatting How to Tell the Sex of a Fly JUST TOO CUTE. This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while! A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

30th April 2008, 12:24	#7
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Not funny but intersting Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head Now it gets really weird. Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln . Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

1st May 2008, 10:26	#8
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Linguistics A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

30th April 2008, 11:04	#2
DJO Avid contributor Vauxhall Zafira Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Haywards Heath, West Sussex Posts: 241 Thanks: 1 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	What, pray tell, is a "black light"? Surely if its black it isn't a light. Light cannot be black can it? Is it made my the same people as a chocolate fireguard or waterproof teabags?

1st May 2008, 10:30	#9
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Death to Taxes A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."

1st May 2008, 10:39	#10
brum29 Passed Away Rover 75 Tourer 2L CDT Club SE 2002 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: B.V.T - Birmingham Posts: 832 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Heavenly Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Gandies clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. "Tony Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"