Brum's Joke Book

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A man in his 40's bought a newish Rover 75 CDTi and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Rover 75 CDTi" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, looked at his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a traffic cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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A chap in a restaurant says to the blonde waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

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Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would even accept 18 pound notes if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some off, then went to a small town to try them out. They go up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say, can you give me change for an 18 pound note?" "Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police put the call on the radio, and a unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went to heaven.

"There are 1000 steps to heaven and I will tell you a joke every step. If you laugh, you don't get to heaven," God told the girls.

The redhead made it to the 45th step, the brunette made it to the 200th step, and the blonde made it to the 999th step.

When the blonde arrived at the 999th step, she laughed before God could even tell her the joke.

"What's so funny? I haven't even told the joke yet," God said.

"I know! I just got the first one!" the blonde replied.

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A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the little boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

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A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of nuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of nuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of nuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
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"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

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An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his
side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend.

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special
stock and brought a ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old
man stated, by cheque. " I know you need to make sure
my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call
the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the
weekend I had?"

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Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his trainers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…