We humans is barmy...
I bought a brand new hand made oak table recently...not only was it not the advertised dimensions but it had been 'antiqued' by slapping it with an M12 bolt......the 'antiquist' hadn't even moved his position while biffing it....( bought online from M&S and M&S were very very obstructive when I wanted to return it...referred me to India, I in return referred them to India.)
So if it's new we try to make it look used..
..and if it looks used we try to make it look new.
I suggest 6 coats of clear laquer (the money you were given to tow it away should cover that)....
if that doesn't work paint it like new then try the M12 bolt approach?
...you may have to change your position occasionally to get uniform coverage (and no adding frills other than a plaque to say "this is the oldest one we could find. It has a chequered history and is a particularly low spec, lop sided, Frankensteinesque and historically tatty example")
...sorry misspelled hysterically
p.s. more importantly, avoid the "new" M&S...I was close to antiquing them.