So today was the day. I didn't try the method in post #6, as the car was parked on grass. I took the cover off the bit to the left of the door handle to reveal a lock which (unsurprisingly) didn't work with my keys. Try as I might, I couldn't bust the lock despite attempting to hammer a screwdriver into it (I'd never cut it as a car thief). In the course of all this hammering, to-ing and fro-ing I managed to make the whole lock assembly fall into the bottom of the door... oops.
Tried pushing the back seat down from in the boot... no dice. Tried getting the wheel nuts off to try the pulling the bonnet cables idea - someone at Kwik Fit (other fast fit bodgers are available) had wanged them up to about 14382Nm. No way was I getting those off with a wheel brace. So I ended up doing the thing I didn't want to do, and put a hammer through the driver's window. I carefully hoovered all the bits of glass up, and pulled the bonnet release.
Now to charge the battery up and get the doors open. Fat chance. My multi-meter revealed that the battery contained all of 1.2V, and all the charger did when connected to this was say "Error". I went and rummaged in the garage and found - of all things - a 12V transformer from a model railway. Once wired up to the battery and fired up, the car's alarm went off! Success. I pressed the key buttons until it shut up and opened the doors. With no chance of a running engine (my jump leads were too short!) I pushed the beast to where it needed to be.
I got there in the end... thanks to everyone who posted.
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