This is just for fun so tell your stories here .

[stevenicks]

Originally Posted by FLYER

well what can i say.


Apart from missing the theme of the thread Jeff it was a funny story .

However mate my sympathy is with that poor mutt.

You should have called the dog'Leo the Legend' after that after giving into one of your Richard the Thirds

[Saga Lout]

It was 2003 in Paphos, me and the other half had gone to the harbour area for some beers. I'm not one for being pestered to go in to bars so we sat in the little square with a drink. As we were watching, a chap and his partner were setting up a sound system, from the sound checks they did, it was going to be terrible. We got more drinks and they started off singing, I started to laugh at the God awful noise they were making, it seemed to encourage them and they got steadily worse. I'm not the quietest person and my laughing was carrying far, very soon there were more people in the square and it got packed out to see this terrible act. It was the worst singing I've ever seen and everyone was in fits of laughter, I could hardly breathe and my ribs were killing me. It couldn't get any worse but it did, he dropped his tone and attempted to do `What a wonderful world` by Louis Armstrong. The sight of these two smiling as they performed will live with me forever. It was the worst act I've sever seen but it was also funny.

Another matter in Paphos was the timeshare sellers, if you went down the harbour towards the Castle they were there. There was one in particular who wouldn't take no for an answer, everyday he would come pestering. In the end I turned to him and said, `If you pester me once more, I'll throw you over the F........g Harbour wall` It did the trick and he left us alone for the rest of the Holiday.
In 2004 we went back to the same place because we'd had such a great time the year before. We went down to the Harbour and guess who was there? yep, it was the same bloke, he came running up and got in our faces again. I just looked at him and said `I warned you last year` He ran off.

[reworht]

Fifteen odd years ago, took the family to France for a couple of weeks in a country cottage. Came the day when Sarah (then son's girlfriend & now his wife) needed to cash a couple of traveller's cheques. We found a small country bank, and deciding that I would teach her to be independent - I was the only one who knew a smattering of French - I insisted she went into the bank on her own and do the transaction.
The phrase is if I remember, "je voudrais changer des chèques de voyage, s'il vous plaît
Being a helpful sort of bloke, I wrote down on a bit of paper what she needed to say but in a sort of phonetic way, to help her with the pronunciation - something like "je voodray shaunjay day shecks .... etc. etc."
She went into the bank, holding the piece of paper, and started to read it aloud. The cashier listened to about the first 4 or 5 words, took the piece of paper off her, looked at it, crumpled it up and threw it in the bin. I then noticed Sarah pointing at me (I was looking through the window). The cashier then conducted the rest of the transaction with her in immaculate English. When she came out, and after she'd clipped me round the earhole, I asked her why she had pointed at me - "he asked me which illiterate person had written the words on the piece of paper" was her reply

[FLYER]

Originally Posted by reworht

Fifteen odd years ago, took the family to France for a couple of weeks in a country cottage. Came the day when Sarah (then son's girlfriend & now his wife) needed to cash a couple of traveller's cheques. We found a small country bank, and deciding that I would teach her to be independent - I was the only one who knew a smattering of French - I insisted she went into the bank on her own and do the transaction.
The phrase is if I remember, "je voudrais changer des chèques de voyage, s'il vous plaît
Being a helpful sort of bloke, I wrote down on a bit of paper what she needed to say but in a sort of phonetic way, to help her with the pronunciation - something like "je voodray shaunjay day shecks .... etc. etc."
She went into the bank, holding the piece of paper, and started to read it aloud. The cashier listened to about the first 4 or 5 words, took the piece of paper off her, looked at it, crumpled it up and threw it in the bin. I then noticed Sarah pointing at me (I was looking through the window). he cashier then conducted the rest of the transaction with her in immaculate English. When she came out, and after she'd clipped me round the earhole, I asked her why she had pointed at me - "he asked me which illiterate person had written the words on the piece of paper" was her reply

you plonker Rodders ...

[reworht]

Originally Posted by FLYER

you plonker Rodders ...

I cannot deny it

[Darcydog]

One holiday years ago when SWMBO and i had not long been married we were walking back from the beach of SW France near Royan, SWMBO left me to carry nearly everything and me being me was having a bit of a laugh having a false "moan" as I followed her up the path through the lovely pine trees, enjoying the view.

SWMBO (then a very well built and fit 26 year old) was playing up to this and was "strutting her stuff" if you get what I mean ahead of me.

Then round the corner coming down to the beach was a local lad who when he saw SWMBO immediately went into "young lad on the make" mode and sucked his belly in, stuck his chest out and put on a face that he obviously thought would impress her. I thought it was funny.

But what made me collapse (I really did) with laughter was that whilst he was looking at SWMBO he dis not see the slight depression in the ground that he fell into.

[RPWC]

Years ago I used to help my mate rebuild his kit car. One night we were at his garage,there was this other bloke there called Niel ,I was busy trying to sort a problem on the latest car I had bought,.
Niel was a clever dick, and very quick, he could easily put anyone down., he said to me " why do keep buying heaps of sh..e?"
Buy something decent for once, he had a brand new MG Metro st the time, the boot was open, and I felt a prime guff coming on, so I went and sat in his boot and let it go.
Niel was GUTTED,! he couldn't believe I had done that,and just couldn't speak with horror. My mate said he'd never seen Niel ever list for words until that day.
He never took the p out of me again

[trikey]

On hols in Crete, sitting at a bar enjoying watching the local drivers go past, then 5 up on a 50cc moped two adults, two kids and the dog!! Complete with the weekly groceries too.

[Lordy]

Not so much a funny moment but it was for everyone else on the ferry.

July 10th 2012 was my first ever festival job in security after getting my badge though.

I was there working for two days, right lets fast forward to the bit where we go back to the Ferry and head home to Dover.

The lads organised a party and of course we said we were going to have a few, duty free Jack Daniels was cheap for £17 for a bottle and thought I's share it with the lads. At this point I've had about 5 to 6 pints lager,
The ship hadn't even moved yet.

After a swigs of jack daniels just as I'm finishing it I remember, This is the captain just to inform we now departing from Jersey, OH GOOD GOD, at this point I'm getting Drunk well bladded is more of the wood.

The ship was moving all over the place and sea was chopping, they even warned this 10mins after the departure .

I became so ill that I went to the top deck and to puke, which of the security lads helped me out, I can't remember what happened at this point but everyone said this.

When I pucked the captain was a deck below me and he came out the engineering room, because the wind is blowing towards his direction when I puked the wind caught it and went on to the his face.

Quickly the lads grabbed me Dave and gavin and dragged me to the toilet and locked me in the toilet, while Gavin was looking out for the security on the ship, Big dave made sure I was alright, but he had to leave for some reason and I was trapped.

So I tried to clime out of the toilet, got my leg over and as I was trying to regain my balance instead I fell in the same place I tried to escape from.

Dave Comes back and unlocks door, again they drag me away and I'm the luxury part of the ferry now away from the rest.

6 hours later, The ferry arrives to dover and I'm when one of these buses that go all over the place, then I think it was me that was all over the place.

I fell on Maria who was there and witness to everything and she said did you know you fell face first into my rack.
I can't remember anything about that at all, that how far gone I was, I don't remember getting on the Taxi or Griffiths giving me a lift to Bangor.

I do remember waking with a sore head and bruised jaw, after I fell trying to escape from a TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!

My dad picks me in transit van and his first response was, Can't say as it involves strong language, lets just say it involved David you look absolutely beep.

I felt it too, I spent most of days after the festival on the toilet, Chris Keegan phones me and tells everything that happened, and all the lads were laughing there heads off.

I'm worried that the manger might take a dim view of this and decided to ring himself and asked him if my job was still secure, lets just dave you pushed it too the limit and beyond, but we had a great review of security doing a great job at the fest and everyone has got to have a laugh, but yeah what about the Captain?

He'll be fine.