Edinburgh Festival one-liners

[Buster]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. This makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...

Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things to Do before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout for Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD-NAUGHTY WORD- hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance





Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[Rich]

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs

Classic