A lot has happend but still here and still fighting on ;)

[Lordy]

Hiya all how's everyone doing hope your well ands keeping okay.

Its been a while my email decided too crash so couldn't get on too the forums at all, Thanks too Trikey Andy's help and Paul Reebs for getting me back on.

This is going too come a shock too you all but Mental needs too more talked about, its always been a bit of a taboo subject my mind before hand saw it as a weakness well all that changed on that day.

I'll copy and past this section after the night it happened.

This is very hard for me too open up about but I've got the courage too do it and also help anyone who may or have experienced the same thing.
I last night I tried too commit suicide by gassing myself with Carbon Monoxide It was a spurn of a moment I just had enough and wanted too end it all for good Felt guilt ramose grief of my recent actions and of course certain things in my colourful past also losing one of my childhood friends who passed away and of course Rhys as well I couldn't stop it and I didn't talk too anyone about it either I just bolted it in till I had a mental breakdown.

Just a massive flood gate of negative thoughts about my past and it sort just went out of control.

So I decided too get the car ready for my final journey and just end it there and then and let the old girl do the rest with no Cat converter it was going too be quick.
Even had a few drinks in the car while parked too help me relax.
I could feel myself starting too slip away and I was starting to go too sleep I wasn't expecting anyone at that time of night but someone phoned north Wales police and the Ambulance crews and I was saved they pumped me with oxygen to try and keep me alive as the monoxide levels were at a dangerous level.

I'm still shocked that I'm still alive and I'm deeply ashamed of myself for doing it but I've accepted that it has happened, I did speak too a specialist in Ysbuty Gwynedd and I told her everything that was going on in my head at the time I don't help myself by keeping things too myself and I realise more then ever now how important it is too speak up.
No one ever likes too admit about mental health we will be seen as weak and mentally fragile we all like too think that were indestructible and can manage everything alone.

Everyone is different there is no shame in that at all speaking up is a sign of strength and courage too admit that things are hard and getting on top.
If it wasn't for North Wales Police and the Ambulance service...…………………..Sorry just a bit shocked still but I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for them.

A huge thank too them all they saved my life and I own them my gratitude I can't thank them a enough.
My ford been taken away by the police but I will get her back with no charges as they said too me we don't care your health is our major concern.
Never be ashamed or afraid too speak too others about personal troubles I know that more then ever before.
From this I want too help others who may have experienced or considering the act.

You don't just destroy yourself you destroy the people around you as well.
Its a huge life changing moment and I wouldn't want anyone too go down that path its not worth it.
There are other options out there positive once focus on them better yourself and keep on progressing and most importantly talk there is no shame in that at all.

Few days later.

Got the old girl back...………. Too be honest I wasn't sure about seeing it again and how I react too it.

After a quick blast tho and instantly felt joy and happiness of driving her again it really made me think what I would have left behind and how much I would have destroyed.

From the bottom of my heart I like too say Thank you ever so much for your support and messages through comments and PM's as well.
Sorry I've been a bit slow off replying too messages I'm still adjusting and of course its affected my parents a great deal again thinking I would have destroyed them too if I had died on the night.

Never be afraid too talk I realise now I always saw it as a sign of weakness but I've really changed my view on that.

We all have regrets guilt of things we've done in the past I've been carrying it with me for years and over time it affected my confidence in myself.
Guilt has been my constant companion for many years.
Other things kicked it off as well but mainly my past actions and regrets got me the most.

Onwards and upwards.
Will be taking all the support I can get I always saw support as sign of failure too myself but now admitting it is a sign of strength and courage and there's no shame in that at all.
Its taken this too realise all this.
If you know anyone or yourself going down that road please don't hesitate contact me with confidence if I can make a difference trust me I will.