How to deal with an E-mail scam artist

[demoncase]

A few years ago, I decided to take a leaf out of those internet scam busters books and start replying to all those lovely unsolicited E-mails that appeared in my Yahoo inbox. I have had a number of Nigerian scam artists bite and get suckered in by my alter ego- Dr Richard Flaccid...His friends call him ****.

What follows is an authentic, genuine exchange betwixt me and scammer...Enjoy..
My responses are in itallics and should be read in the voice of Tom Baker for maximum enjoyment

IMPORTANT NOTE- all bank details are FAKE, though the telephone numbers and adresses are real: I pick either the West Midlands Serious Fraud Office or a Tropical Diseases Clinic in Harley street, as my whim dictates

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE- NEVER EVER under any circumstances share any real bank details or numbers with any e-mail scam artist.


--- Prince Fayad Bolkiah <princefayadbolkiah>
wrote:

> Hello,
>
> I got your reliable contact from my father's diary
> and further explicit
> investment information about your country from my
> attorney in London who has
> been of great assistance to my family since our
> departure from Brunei due to
> the human right abuses in my country. I am Prince
> Fayad b.s. Bolkiah, the
> eldest son of Prince Jefri Bolkiah, former Finance
> Minister of Brunei, the
> tiny oil-rich sultanate on the Gulf Island.
>
> I will save your time by not amplifying my extended
> royal family history,
> which has already been disseminated by the
> international media during the
> controversial dispute that erupted between my Father
> and his stepbrother,
> the sultan of Brunei Sheik Muda Hassanal Bolkiah.
> As you may know from the international media, the
> sultan had accused my
> father of financial mismanagement and impropriety of
> US$14.8 Billion
> dollars. This was as a result of the Asian financial
> crisis that made my
> father's company Amedeo Development Company and
> government owned Brunei
> Investment Company to be declared bankrupt during
> his tenure in office.
> However my father was kept under house arrest, his
> bank accounts and private
> Properties including a crude oil export refinery
> were later confiscated by
> the sultanate.
> Furthermore during this unfortunate period, I was
> advised to evacuate my
> immediate family outside the sultanate to avoid
> further prosecution from the
> sultan and his security operatives, but before I
> could do that I was placed
> under house arrest by the Sultan and have no access
> to a phone but I have a
> Palm hand-held computer from which I am sending you
> this mail. Some of the guard here are still loyal to
> me, so they would be my
> contact with you if there is any document I need to
> send to you to enable
> you collect the boxes of money on my behalf.
> Before my incarceration, I went ahead to dispatch
> the sum of Five Hundred
> Million United States Dollars (US$500,000,000.00) in
> cash under special
> arrangement into the custody of different private
> security and Trustee
> companies for safe keeping abroad.
>
> The money were splited and kept in the following
> countries in this
> proportion: US$ 50 Million is in Switzerland,US$100
> Million is in Spain,
> US$100 Million is in Britain,US$80 Million is in
> United Arab Emirate and the
> balance US$US170 Million is in Canada.
> Hence I seek your good assistance to invest these
> funds into profitable
> investment in your country to facilitate future
> survival for my family
> abroad. After due deliberation with my aids we have
> decided to offer 20% of
> these funds to you as compensation for your strong
> cooperation while 5% have
> been mapped out for both local and international
> expenses that may be
> incurred during this transaction.
>
> Please I count on your absolute confidentiality,
> transparency and trust
> while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a
> swift conclusion of
> this business transaction.
>
> Kindly contact me on my alternative email:
> [email protected]
>
> Many Thanks and May Allah's blessing remain with
> you.
>
> I remain yours sincerely,
>
> Prince Fayad.S. Bolkiah.
>
> You can visit the websites below for a better
> understanding of the
> situation.
>
http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/mag...nei.jefri.html
> http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/670959.stm
Subject: Re: Assist Us PLease
To: [email protected]

Hi there, your majesty.

What a coincidence your e-mail. It was only yesterday I was thinking of your late father, as I signed off the return to work form of young Sarah after her 'illness'.

I love to help you spend you sizable wad in the UK- it's always comforting to have such a large thing to blow at once.

I can certainly help you with any further investment enquiries you have: just say the word and I'll help.

I am the CEO of a medium sized Entertainment and Importation company- I specialise in bringing in the finest quality Chocholate Starfish from Europe...Once you've tried a Flaccid Chocholate Starfish, you won't get the taste out of your mouth for days. I also own a number of nightclubs under the brand name of 'Mr Whippy's Rubber Ball'...so as you can see I'm a man of some means, or my name isn't Richard Flaccid!

Yours, in turgidity

Richard Flaccid

--- Clement Balogun
<clement_duke_balogun1> wrote:

> Dear Flaccid,
>
> I want to use this opportunity to thank you so much
> for making out time to
> respond to my email,i am grateful sir.before i
> proceed may i use this medium
> to let you know that,all i need from you now is your
> honesty and sincerity
> while this transaction will be going on.
>
> If you really interested in assisting me to ensure
> that this money is pulled
> out/transfered immediately before the federal
> government of my country and
> the economic finance and crime commission get to
> know,kindly send to me your
> full contact so that it will enable me to write to
> the security company
> where my fathers made the deposit.i want to assure
> you that this transaction
> is risk free on your own side because i don't want
> to get myself involved
> with this transaction is that,if i should involve
> myself,it will be easier
> for them to trace me and this money that was the
> main reason why i contacted
> you in this regards seeking for your
> consent,provided you are someone i can
> rely on.
>
> Please my dear friend,kindly write to me as soon as
> you get my email,send me
> your full contact so as to enable me put in a paper
> to the security
> company,this decision is a collective decision of my
> entire family,that i
> should look for a genuine means of transfering this
> fund immediately,i had
> already spoken with my Dad about this development
> when i visited him in the
> prison today.
>
> I want to believe that you are a genuine man who
> cannot by any means
> disappoint me and my family once this money reflects
> into your account.
>
> Am Grateful for your immediate response once again
> hoping that you will not
> let me down.
>
> hope to hear from you.
>
> bye for now,
>
> Clement.
>
>
__________________________________________________ _______________
> Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger!
> Download today it's FREE!
>
http://messenger.msn.click-url.com/g...ave/direct/01/
>
>

Subject: Re: i need your immediate response.
To: "Clement Balogun" <clement_duke_balogun1>
Hello again Mr Balogun;

Glad to hear from you so soon! Hope the Christmas season is picking up for you, though with your father in 'chokey' I imagine that the thought of Santa emptying his bulging sack all over your fireplace barely takes your mind off it.

In future, don't refer to me as Flaccid- that's my last name. Please call me Richard....when we get to know each other a bit better you may call me ****.

Is your Father doing well in prison? I hear that it can get a little dicey in the showers if you happen to drop your bar of Dove Moisturising. Then again I imagine your Dad to be the sort of man who laps up that kind of thing- I'm sure he's made lots of new friends. Tell me; Does he like George Michael songs at
all?

To contact me in this deal I would suggest using my Business Adress:-
mark all for the attention of CEO
Richard Flaccid
Mortimer Market Building,
Capper Street,
Tottenham Court Road,
London
WC1E 6AU

I won't provide a telephone number as there is no-way of making it secure. Apparently, after all the terrorism that's going on lately, the DVLA have taken to tapping phones to find out if people are having anti-government conversations. My German colleague, Big Helmut, was recently summoned for a high level 'de-breifing' with the local DVLA officials (Quentin and Tarquin) and, though he doesn't like to talk about it, it was a very probing interview....he's been walking strangely every since and bursts into tears if anyone shows him a cucumber.

Anyway, it's our busy season between X-mas and New Year: We have nearly 1 million Chocolate Starfish sat at Customs waiting to be shipped to the Factory for cleaning, stretching and posting before the 25th. I don't know how I'm going to do it! I've now got to go and grease the Customs Inspector's palm so that he has a closer look at my Chocolate Starfish and allows me to unload all over the dockside. I've heard that some of the sailors on the wharf are anticipating my Starfish with baited breath- there is nothing like the sight of loads of Chocolate Starfish, kneedeep in satisfied seamen.....Anyway, must dash.

Good dye

Richard Flaccid
CEO Flaccid Chocolate Starfish Importation

--- Clement Balogun <clement_duke_balogun1> wrote:

> Dear Richard,
>
> I am here to notify to you that i have sent the
> informations you provided to
> me to the financial institution where my father
> deposited this money,please
> i will want you to let me know the moment they
> contact you,because i made
> them know that my family have decided to use you as
> the beneficairy of our
> father's fund.don't let me down,i am hoping on
> you,that you will do your
> best for me,but at any point they ask you to provide
> the documents which
> will proof that you are the true beneficiary,don't
> fail to let me know
> immediately.
>
> once more thank you for your concern.
>
> Clement Balogun.
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> Don't just search. Find. Check out the new MSN
> Search!
> http://search.msn.click-url.com/go/o...ave/direct/01/
>
>


Good to hear from you again so soon Clement!

I do hope you and your Dad are keeping well- has he told you about the time we went uphill gardening? It was enourmous fun- I kept slipping out and he was crying with laughter...ah, such gay times we had.

Anyway- I've not received any contact from a 'financial instituition' yet...Care to give me a clue as to which one it is: with so many invoices for Chocolate Starfish arriving in my in-tray I'm all a tizzy...There's nothing like the sound of a happy customer dipping into a freshly cleaned Chocolate Starfish.

It would help me enourmously in reading your e-mails if you could consider using the SHIFT or CAPS LOCK key to capitilise the first letter of the first word in every sentence: it's considered polite and prevents your writing look like it was carried out by a drunken chimpanzee with clawhammer. We don't want to look a gibbering lackwit, do we?

I must dash, apparently the Customs Inspector is unhappy with the current tightness of the batch of Chocolate Starfish. Apparently he couldn't touch the sides due to excess slackness. Personally I think it's because he's hung like a mouse but that might be unfair on the man- I mean, with all that Starfish on the quayside it's going to get very slippery underfoot. Then again I'm sure my Spanish contact, a Mr "Dirty" Sanchez, might have sold me a bum batch of Chocolate Starfish. I'll give him a "Cleveland Steamer" he won't forget in a hurry, let me tell you!

To be honest, with the variation in quality and Health/Safety issues surrounding the the whole importation of Chocolate Starfish, I was considering branching out into some Emergency Products. I've heard that people often wear 'Brown Trousers' during dangerous situations- indeed, in the UK, a major near-death incident may be described in polite company (The Queen for example) as "Brown Trousers Time".

Do you think I should start importing Brown Trousers for emergencies? Or should I rely on the domestic market manufacturing it's own?

May the Devil get voicemail when he dials up for your soul, amen.

Richard Flaccid
Flaccid Chocolate Starfish Imports

--- "GLOBAL SECURITY COMPANY.." <fred_martins_12> wrote:

> Dear Richard Flaccid,
>
> I am Mr Fred Martins with the global security
> company , i am the account/payment officer in charge
> of Mr Clement Balogun's fund,Mr Clement Balogun
> submitted your informations to this company where
> his father's fund has been deposited for the past
> 6months now.i am hereby directed to write you in
> respect of the claims which you have to make,as the
> beneficiary of this fund.
> From the depository papers i have on my table,i am
> meant to believe that you are the person to be
> contacted.if you are the right person to be
> contacted,please kindly get back to me within the
> next 7 working days proir to the receipt of this
> email.
>
> Yours faithfully,
>
> Fred Martins.
> [Account/Payment Officer].
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Send instant messages to your online friends
> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com


Gooddye Mr Martins!

Indeed, yes, I am the person with which Mr Balogun has been in contact with regarding the liberation of his Father's large wad. I imagine after so long being banged in the slammer, so to speak, he'll be desperate to unload his wad all over the place the second he gets the chance.

I myself am a prominent Business man within the UK Importation trade. My Company, Flaccid Imports Ltd, imports over 10million farmed and free-range Chocolate Starfish to the UK. If this deal goes smoothly and without issues I would be happy to provide you a free complimentary case of Chocolate Starfish for you to lick, bite or merely play with to your heart's content. You may even like to frame my Chocolate Starfish when you open the wrapper- I find them quite breathtaking.....

But enough of my business, let's start talking about that lovely money...I mean, let's start talking about all the lovely help I will be giving Mr Balogun.

Please get back to me as soon as possible with further details of this deal- mark all correspondance FAO RICHARD FLACCID.

Please be aware that Flaccid Imports is closed between 23rd of December and 3rd of January.

Many thanks from the heart of my bottom,

Richard Flaccid
CEO Flaccid Imports Ltd

......and there sadly the trail goes cold. Poor Prince Balgoun forever in nick, getting banged in the slammer by Hacksaw Harris from B wing....I'll just have to wait for another scammer

[scouseeric]

Jonathan, that was excellent!!

Eric

[Banjo]

Brilliant - made me laugh on this miserable wet day.

[Tatts]

Gets around a bit....

http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&sclie...w=1755&bih=865

[wraymond]

Superb! They don't like it up 'em do they?

[Zeb]

If you read what they have written carefully it is simply a 'script' which they send in return to whatever is sent. They have not replied to 'you' at all..It is very doubtful they even read the humorous responses they got...the only thing they are interested in is your bank details......still an enjoyable read just the same.

[demoncase]

Originally Posted by Zeb

If you read what they have written carefully it is simply a 'script' which they send in return to whatever is sent. They have not replied to 'you' at all..It is very doubtful they even read the humorous responses they got...the only thing they are interested in is your bank details......still an enjoyable read just the same.

Oh I'm well aware of that- It provided me with amusement while housebound

[Allegroboi]

A long tome to read, but worth it, thanks for the laugh :xmas-smiley-036:

[COLVERT]

Originally Posted by Tatts

Gets around a bit....

http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&sclie...w=1755&bih=865

Just had a look.

40 !!!!!! Pages of it. Been around for ever. Lol.