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Old 2nd November 2019, 21:45   #1
Lord Vengeance
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Default A lot has happend but still here and still fighting on ;)

Hiya all how's everyone doing hope your well ands keeping okay.

Its been a while my email decided too crash so couldn't get on too the forums at all, Thanks too Trikey Andy's help and Paul Reebs for getting me back on.

This is going too come a shock too you all but Mental needs too more talked about, its always been a bit of a taboo subject my mind before hand saw it as a weakness well all that changed on that day.

I'll copy and past this section after the night it happened.

This is very hard for me too open up about but I've got the courage too do it and also help anyone who may or have experienced the same thing.
I last night I tried too commit suicide by gassing myself with Carbon Monoxide It was a spurn of a moment I just had enough and wanted too end it all for good Felt guilt ramose grief of my recent actions and of course certain things in my colourful past also losing one of my childhood friends who passed away and of course Rhys as well I couldn't stop it and I didn't talk too anyone about it either I just bolted it in till I had a mental breakdown.

Just a massive flood gate of negative thoughts about my past and it sort just went out of control.

So I decided too get the car ready for my final journey and just end it there and then and let the old girl do the rest with no Cat converter it was going too be quick.
Even had a few drinks in the car while parked too help me relax.
I could feel myself starting too slip away and I was starting to go too sleep I wasn't expecting anyone at that time of night but someone phoned north Wales police and the Ambulance crews and I was saved they pumped me with oxygen to try and keep me alive as the monoxide levels were at a dangerous level.

I'm still shocked that I'm still alive and I'm deeply ashamed of myself for doing it but I've accepted that it has happened, I did speak too a specialist in Ysbuty Gwynedd and I told her everything that was going on in my head at the time I don't help myself by keeping things too myself and I realise more then ever now how important it is too speak up.
No one ever likes too admit about mental health we will be seen as weak and mentally fragile we all like too think that were indestructible and can manage everything alone.

Everyone is different there is no shame in that at all speaking up is a sign of strength and courage too admit that things are hard and getting on top.
If it wasn't for North Wales Police and the Ambulance service...…………………..Sorry just a bit shocked still but I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for them.

A huge thank too them all they saved my life and I own them my gratitude I can't thank them a enough.
My ford been taken away by the police but I will get her back with no charges as they said too me we don't care your health is our major concern.
Never be ashamed or afraid too speak too others about personal troubles I know that more then ever before.
From this I want too help others who may have experienced or considering the act.

You don't just destroy yourself you destroy the people around you as well.
Its a huge life changing moment and I wouldn't want anyone too go down that path its not worth it.
There are other options out there positive once focus on them better yourself and keep on progressing and most importantly talk there is no shame in that at all.

Few days later.

Got the old girl back...………. Too be honest I wasn't sure about seeing it again and how I react too it.

After a quick blast tho and instantly felt joy and happiness of driving her again it really made me think what I would have left behind and how much I would have destroyed.

From the bottom of my heart I like too say Thank you ever so much for your support and messages through comments and PM's as well.
Sorry I've been a bit slow off replying too messages I'm still adjusting and of course its affected my parents a great deal again thinking I would have destroyed them too if I had died on the night.

Never be afraid too talk I realise now I always saw it as a sign of weakness but I've really changed my view on that.

We all have regrets guilt of things we've done in the past I've been carrying it with me for years and over time it affected my confidence in myself.
Guilt has been my constant companion for many years.
Other things kicked it off as well but mainly my past actions and regrets got me the most.

Onwards and upwards.
Will be taking all the support I can get I always saw support as sign of failure too myself but now admitting it is a sign of strength and courage and there's no shame in that at all.
Its taken this too realise all this.
If you know anyone or yourself going down that road please don't hesitate contact me with confidence if I can make a difference trust me I will.
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Old 2nd November 2019, 21:46   #2
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Just been too the cop shop too hand in some gifts and a card.
After everything they did for me I couldn't not thank them they saved my life and I will never forget it.

There was a time during my younger years of being a little beep that I would hate the police for what they do as they had authority but after they went beyond the of call of duty.

My view on them has greatly changed.
I couldn't forget how one of the female officers cried her eyes out thinking I'd passed away I put them all in a lot of mental pressure and my parents too.
It was really tough on them.

They get so much beep and again I can relate when I used too work on the doors or doing security jobs we got the same beep as well so yeah I can sympathise with them there.

If that makes me unpopular so be it.
Will always be Grateful for them for that day.
A special Thanks too North Wales police too all those involved could have been a very different outcome.
I can't thank them enough.
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Old 2nd November 2019, 22:03   #3
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Since everything that's happened I've made some changes myself mainly too let the past be, I won't lie too you I was a bit of violent person during my teens lots of anger and at first I was targeting the bully's.

But over time I became one myself and started fighting with anyone that gave me a certain look because I could with my martial arts background and weight training I had a slight edge.

I was look at it in Disgust I hated myself for it and rather then letting it go I carried that guilt with me for many years Sometimes I would dream, about the fights and the old faces too.

Not so long ago while in Tesco's I saw one of my old mates he was with me as well during those times too.

We talked and chatted however part was still thinking don't mention the past in back of my mind, which of course he did and I aksed him straight up do you regret the tghings you done?

He gave me a look and pretty much said What the beep has happened too you jesus beep you used so tough and hard, life's changed you into a pussy pal.

It was very clear too me that he hadn't changed his ways.
I said too him the difference between you and me is and he shouts what.

I regret and feel guilty of the things I've done, You on the other hand couldn't give a flying beeps.

I blame myself because I felt that I made him that way, You see he was a quiet kid me on the other very confident and very corky.

I knew at the time he wasn't a leader so he started joining in with me as well.

That was the trigger for me.

Of course finical got on top a bit, My girlfriend and I having problems and broke up.

Then the guilt and ramose really kicked in hard.
It was just a massive wave of negative thoughts came crashing down on me.

I didn't speak a word about it not once.

I'm getting a lot better in myself and even more so letting the past go for good.

Been looking into doing courses too try out different things set myself some targets and goals too reach.

I've always had a negative view on life, well not anymore I came very too death closer then I ever been, After all that I knew I had too change my ways and soon.

I have too say I'm liking the new me even more so then ever.
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Regardless of nation and Origin all Soldiers should be remembered past or present.

Lest we forget.


Never forget them and support our armed forces.

https://i.imgur.com/oyca2Lyl.jpg?1
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Go your own way.


Last edited by Lord Vengeance; 2nd November 2019 at 22:05..
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Old 3rd November 2019, 05:33   #4
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Well done on sharing that. As you said, it takes a lot to talk about something like this. Have enjoyed your posts many times, and your story was quite a shock.

Main point is you are glad to be alive again, so I hope this experience gives you an understanding that very few people get to have. Had a next door neighbour commit suicide many years ago, and as you say the impact on those friends and family around him never went away. It was 40 years ago now, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Stay strong.
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Old 3rd November 2019, 06:11   #5
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Good morning Dave, thanks for reaching out. Your amongst friends here and you have nothing to prove to any of us. You can’t change the past, but you can learn to live with it. Hopefully you will be able to upgrade your membership here to red so that you can answer the many messages of support you will get. When I met you at the National meeting in North Wales, I was impressed by how you came over. You were calm, a happy chap, focused and nicely spoken. I didn’t think you were a pussy With the right help and accepting who you are, take each day as it comes, slowly wins the race. Stay off the booze, keep posting here or by pm ....positive thoughts.
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Old 3rd November 2019, 07:29   #6
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Well done Dave, not an easy subject to talk about but you'll feel better getting it off your chest. More people than you realise have been to a dark place and come back again.
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Old 3rd November 2019, 09:53   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Vengeance View Post
No one ever likes too admit about mental health we will be seen as weak and mentally fragile ...
On "mental health" Dave, "reacting normally to an abnormal set of circumstances" is how I've seen it described (Scottish psychiatrist R.D. Laing paraphrased). After your experience, would you agree with that or not?

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Old 3rd November 2019, 12:19   #8
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Wow Dave, that is some post and you having the guts to make it is possibly the strongest thing you have ever done.
Yeah I am sure we all have skeletons in our cupboard that we look back at and feel we shouldn't have done that. I know I have. To get to a dark place where you were must have been an awful journey not feeling you could talk to anyone.
Hopefully you are feeling positive enough now to make a new start and wipe the slate clean for yourself, perhaps when your ready use it as a platform to give something back and help others who find them selves in a similar situation.
We have never actually met Dave but your personality is infectious and even if your not at a meet at sometime during the day you will be part of the conversation and it will always make people smile, you have that impact on people.
Don't be a stranger on here Dave you know for certain you have some good dependable friends, some of which you have't even met yet.
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Old 3rd November 2019, 16:30   #9
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Dave, it is very brave of you to share your experience.
I hope you are able to move forward with help and guidance from professionals.

The police I'm sure appreciated you going to see them and they would be glad you survived.

I wish you the very best for the future.

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Old 3rd November 2019, 16:52   #10
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Glad you have managed to log back in Dave, this place has been too quiet without you.
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