parents, doing the right thing

[andymc]

What happened when you were starting out and buying your own first home? Would you have asked or expected your parents - or anyone else - to change their plans and sort things out for you?

Speaking from my own experience, any time we've moved, we sorted at least 90% of it all ourselves, whether it was going from one rented accommodation to another or moving into the first and then later the second house we bought. Our first house, a new build, was completely grey and unfurnished when we took possession of it - we bought mostly second-hand furniture and carpets, and lived in it for months before we could even afford to paint it. After buying our second house, my dad did offer to help me finish tiling the kitchen floor and the shower, but that was at his own instigation. Other than that, I laid nearly all the rest of the flooring and did all the rest of the tiling myself, made a couple of built-in wardrobes, did a lot of exterior painting, built my own shed and polytunnel, built retaining walls for landscaping the sloped garden, laid patios etc. We're here nearly 12 years and it still isn't all finished, but it's mostly my own work.

It never crossed my mind to ask my dad to do anything or pay for anything. I'm sure he would have helped if I asked, but the way I see it he's already had to do all that when he was at that stage of life himself - this is my home and therefore my responsibility. I didn't know how to do any of that stuff when I first started out, but either I figured it out for myself or asked advice, or paid a professional to do the stuff I wasn't able to manage. And I made some mistakes, of course! That's how you get experience ...

I can understand the desire to help out, and I've done that for family members many times - however I think there's a big difference between you offering to do something and you being "guilt-tripped" into disrupting your own prior arrangements. You say your wife has limited holiday time - your daughter will understand this if she has any sort of empathy at all. Let her enjoy and learn from the adventure of moving in and decorating her own home - that doesn't mean completely refusing to help out, but there's no need to take unreasonable steps or to do the lion's share of the work, and you shouldn't be expected to. And it's not necessary to get absolutely everything done before moving in - bathroom, bedroom and kitchen are the priorities. Anything else can be done in stages.

[SCP440]

Originally Posted by andymc

What happened when you were starting out and buying your own first home? Would you have asked or expected your parents - or anyone else - to change their plans and sort things out for you?

Speaking from my own experience, any time we've moved, we sorted at least 90% of it all ourselves, whether it was going from one rented accommodation to another or moving into the first and then later the second house we bought. Our first house, a new build, was completely grey and unfurnished when we took possession of it - we bought mostly second-hand furniture and carpets, and lived in it for months before we could even afford to paint it. After buying our second house, my dad did offer to help me finish tiling the kitchen floor and the shower, but that was at his own instigation. Other than that, I laid nearly all the rest of the flooring and did all the rest of the tiling myself, made a couple of built-in wardrobes, did a lot of exterior painting, built my own shed and polytunnel, built retaining walls for landscaping the sloped garden, laid patios etc. We're here nearly 12 years and it still isn't all finished, but it's mostly my own work.

It never crossed my mind to ask my dad to do anything or pay for anything. I'm sure he would have helped if I asked, but the way I see it he's already had to do all that when he was at that stage of life himself - this is my home and therefore my responsibility. I didn't know how to do any of that stuff when I first started out, but either I figured it out for myself or asked advice, or paid a professional to do the stuff I wasn't able to manage. And I made some mistakes, of course! That's how you get experience ...

I can understand the desire to help out, and I've done that for family members many times - however I think there's a big difference between you offering to do something and you being "guilt-tripped" into disrupting your own prior arrangements. You say your wife has limited holiday time - your daughter will understand this if she has any sort of empathy at all. Let her enjoy and learn from the adventure of moving in and decorating her own home - that doesn't mean completely refusing to help out, but there's no need to take unreasonable steps or to do the lion's share of the work, and you shouldn't be expected to. And it's not necessary to get absolutely everything done before moving in - bathroom, bedroom and kitchen are the priorities. Anything else can be done in stages.

I could not have put it better myself.

[Dallas]

The wife and I have moved twice, we hired a van both times and done everything ourselves over a weekend. We bought furniture on a Saturday morning and took it away with us right there and then, we were decorating and laying carpets all through the night. No removal lorry, no other help but an old knackered worn out sack truck, I physically carried everything.

Looking back now we wouldn't have done it any other way, we learnt a thing or two along the way, which made it easier for us the second time round. We tackled it exactly the same way the second time, we had more furniture by then which absolutely knackered us out. It was great fun just the two of us, most certainly character building, it was all part of growing up I guest.

This was over 20 years ago now, and times have obviously changed since then. Parents seem to be much more involved with their children these days, we are with our two, and we wouldn't have it any other way. When they both eventually get their first proper home, we will be there for sure offering our services. I myself will be taking over as usual and getting in the way, but that's what dads do.

I believe there are some folk that want to do things themselves, not wanting their parents or anyone involved, and then their are those that want, or need that little extra help. Many times you will find that parents offer their services when they are not wanted or needed, getting in the way etc, and the poor kids end up not wanting to upset mum & dad... Its finding that happy medium where everyone agrees.

[macafee2]

we have decided, we will cancel our holiday. We wont lose any money. I don't think we are cancelling due to guilt but more a desire to help and not miss out on an opportunity.
My wife and I like to help, we like DIY.
It will make little difference to us if we don't holiday this time but it will make a big difference to our daughter if we go and help.

She and her husband do not have the skills or confidence to undertake these tasks but are willing to help and do if guided. I don't want them to spend thousands paying someone else to do what we can and am willing to do, there will be a time for that.

my wife and I get pleasure from helping and teaching and I hope they will get pleasure and confidence from learning and doing.

we have made a number of 380-400 mile journeys to help. 2 400 mile drives were to find they had changed the wrong bulbs on the tail lights, changing the right bulbs solved the problem and to bend 1 piece of copper pipe. We did a few other tasks while there but the pipe was number 1.
Recently we did 400 mile round trip to change a radiator, fit door handles and door catch. The door turned into a big job but we enjoyed ourselves.

I would be disappointed if I were not asked to help



macafee2

[MSS]

Originally Posted by macafee2

we have decided, we will cancel our holiday. We wont lose any money. I don't think we are cancelling due to guilt but more a desire to help and not miss out on an opportunity.

.....................


macafee2

An excellent decision Ian. Respect for your good lady and yourself.